desk supplies haul (june 9)

 I got this notebook on sale at Office Max. They're having a clearance sale right now because the location I go to is merging with Office Depot. This was $2 ish. When I opened it, I found a dead bumble bee squished in the corner of one of the pages. YUCK.

 The pictures above are of a yellow notebook that I got at Target. It was $12.99. I'm going to be using it as a journal. I bought it so I might be more motivated to write.

    I also got a "de" composition book. I just thought it was cute. I think I'll use it for chemistry or english next year. I'm hoping chemistry because it fits.

The last thing I got were these pens that my friends seemed to love. I think they were around $6-8. I like them because they're felt tip and the colors are really nice. They are Staedtler Triplus Fineliner Porous Point Pens in an Easel Storage Case. (That's a mouthful.) OH AND the case opens and folds onto itself like a little stand for the pens. I think they're really cute.

OKAY that's all I got bye friends.

finals results! (june 7) and summer

I did well on all of my finals! I was especially proud of my biology final grade. I had studied for 7 hours the night before my final and I ended up scoring a 104% on my final. It brought my grade up a lot! I was so happy.

SO now summer has begun. The last day of school was really fun. I went in a small river by my home with a friend and we just sorta stood in it. It was a really nice moment I think. The temperature was really nice and the sky was really pretty.

my first (much needed) detox (june 9)

I'm going to be straight up about this: My vagina smelled really bad for a few days and I had been eating horribly. After much research, I learned that what you eat can really impact your vagina's smell. I knew it could somewhat, but not as much as it really does.

I had been eating a lot of steak from Chipotle (my sister had Chipotle cater for her party and we had A LOT left over) and drinking too much coffee. 

So I'm trying to do a sort of detox. I'm drinking a ton of water & smoothies & eating a lot of fruit. It's just to try and flush everything out of my system. If this doesn't work after a few days, I'm going to see my gyn, but I don't want to deal with that quite yet.

Alright that's it bye.

finals man (may 30)

my finals plan

I'm finally almost done with my freshman year(!!!) It has really gone by quickly. Nothing has gone horribly wrong so I think it was a success. Almost. I just have to finish my finals (and hopefully ace them!)
My goal for this semester is all A's, but I'm coming pretty close to some B's. As in 92%'s in some classes. This is my plan for each of my classes and what the final is:::

PERIOD 1: PE (test tuesday)
final: 10 laps/ 2.5 miles
current grade: 92.5%
score needed on final to maintain an A: 67%
what can I do to do that: nothing really- just keep running

PERIOD 2: BAND (test tuesday)
- no final (I think). There might be some rhythm testing but I'm not sure.

PERIOD 3: ENGLISH (test wednesday)
final: essay on whose fault it was that Romeo and Juliet died
current grade: 93%
score needed on final to maintain an A: 63%- but I'm going for more of an 85%
what can I do to do that: make an outline with all my quotes/ examples

PERIOD 4: MATH (test wednesday)
final: basic math test- not multiple choice, but show work for solving like 45 problems
current grade: 92.65%
score needed on final to maintain an A: 75%
what can I do to do that: study my review packet a lot

PERIOD 5: SPANISH (test thursday)
final: multiple choice + speaking portion
current grade: 92% but on 4.0 scale- a 76 is still an A
score needed on final to maintain an A: negative 78%
what can I do to do that: anything honestly- but I will keep going over the speaking portion prompt and study the grammar and vocabulary

PERIOD 6: BIOLOGY (test thursday- last test/last day!)
final: multiple choice
current grade: 96%
score needed on final to maintain an A: 66% to get a 93% in the class
what can I do to do that: do my practice tests over and over and over hah

cool diy book cover and hard classes (may 26)

Water color painting is so fun. You can be the worst artist and it still looks amazing. Take my book cover, for example. It is actually made out of trash lol. There's a tutorial for it here. I actually really like it compared to the actual cover of the book. 

This book is for a class called AP World History, or WHAP. I'm terrified. They had a small assembly for all the kids taking the class next year and they said, "you all probably will not get A's in this class." WOW THANKS. I'm hoping that my book cover will make me want to study. God, I hope it does. I really want an A in this class. It'll be a lot of work but I CAN DO IT! Hopefully.

loss of motivation & things I enjoy (let's talk about me)

Sorry for not posting for the past week. I have had no motivation at all. I haven't even showered since Tuesday. It's really bad. I've been too lazy to do my homework. 

I think that's a sign that I really need summer to come. 

I'm so tired. 

I just have to push through 4 more weeks. This week will go by super fast because I'm going to Pennsylvania for my grandma's funeral service. 

So then it'll be only 3 weeks after that. That makes it easier to handle, I guess. 

Another thing I wanted to talk about is what I enjoy. For a while this year, I felt talentless and like I didn't like anything that I was doing. 

Now I'm realizing that 1.) I can call little things a hobby, and 2.) I'm good at those little things. 

I have been playing the piano for about 2 weeks now. I learned the song Teen Idle by MATD and I think I'm getting pretty good. So I like that.

And yesterday I painted a little birdhouse for my mom for mother's day. That made me realize that I really like painting things. Not pictures necessarily, but I like painting ceramics and wood things. It isn't that expensive of a hobby either, which is great. 

I also really like biking. I think bike rides with my boyfriend are so fun. I'm excited for summer because this is the first summer I'll get to spend with him. The other two summers that we've known each other, he has ignored me. I'm just hoping that he doesn't do that this summer. 

health(!!)

I'm doing Cassey Ho's monthly calendar this month. I decided against following my own plan because I like hers. I'm doing her calendar a little differently though. I don't really like the workouts that she has on the weekends, so I'll be stretching on the weekends, and then on weekdays I'll follow the calendar.
I'm excited though because I got my friend to do it with me. We're going to be so healthy woop.

soulmates?? probably (not): freshman dating

I love a boy while simultaneously being somewhat young.

It's kind of miserable, not being able to do what you want to with them.

Not even in a sexual way. I just want to be able to cuddle with him without our parents thinking anything of it. 

I want to be able to randomly show up at his house without "needing a ride" or "being rude by inviting myself over."

I want to be able to have sleepovers with him. Again, not even in a sexual way. 

I want to be trusted enough to ever have him in my room. (my parents have this rule that doesn't allow boys in my room. It's understandable, but they can trust us. I don't get any privacy to be able to talk to him when we're downstairs.) 

I want my relationship to be taken seriously.

Even as people read this, they're probably thinking, "Silly girl. You're too young to be in love." 

We've been best friends for 2.5 years. I have liked him for 2 of those. He has liked me for most of that time too. We didn't start dating until halfway through our freshman year (this year). 

We try really hard to keep on the down-low. We don't really do any PDA.  We don't even hold hands because older kids make fun of us for being so "young" and "immature." 

This is all while people only 2 years older than us are making out in the halls and taking advantage of girls my age. Even the freshman-junior relationships are taken more seriously than mine, and 70% of the time the older person is taking advantage of the younger in some way. 

This is while older people are breaking up after 2 months and dating after only knowing each other for 4 weeks. 

Yes, you can laugh at the freshmen who are dating after 2 weeks, and you can laugh at the ones who break up in 1. 

But don't disrespect my relationship when I've loved this boy for 2 years and been best friends with him for even longer. 

Don't disrespect my relationship when we fight 10x less in our's than you do in yours. 

Don't disrespect my relationship when our's is much happier than yours.

We may be young, and we may "not know what we're doing", but I do know that I really love him and I will for a while. I know I'm happy with him.

archetype of myself

"Got different people inside my head, trying to figure out which one they liked best.."

me in december

My boyfriend doesn't compliment me anymore.
I know, I know.. I shouldn't change myself for him.
But even I liked myself better back then. He complimented me so much in December 2014. He always called me so cute and told me so many nice things about myself.
So I'm trying to figure out who I used to be and become myself again?? If that makes sense.

I've been looking through old journal entries, tumblr posts, and texts and trying to see what I used to do and I think I kinda figured it out. I was cute as hell.

I was very "electra heart." I acted like Marina's album itself.
I'm tuning into my inner Electra Heart at the moment by listening to all of it.

I think this is kind of fun. To just change who I am.

TRAITS I HAD:

• I didn't really care. I wore what I wanted, I didn't even brush my hair half the time.
• I wore cute little bracelets and scrunchies.
• BLACK NAIL POLISH.
• I was so nice to other people. I always complimented them and called them cute. I would say "You complete my heart" and hold up my hand in the shape of half a heart and they would complete it.
• I would make peoples' names into a greeting: for example for AJ "Hey-jay" get it?
• I would make these cute little pun jokes. 
• I was pretty independent woman-y. But that came from listening to Electra Heart so much. 

To pull this all off I need to do it gradually and I need to be natural about it. I'll just try to actually bring those traits back instead of faking them. I know I still have her in me. 

This will be fun.

future excitement (let's talk about me)

I've been going to this one library for my entire life now. It's a great library and, although I stopped reading so much, I'm always there studying or using my laptop when I need to get away from my house. I feel like it's time to pay it back now. I'm planning to volunteer there soon (!!!)

I'm not sure why this excites me so much. I'm not even getting paid. I guess it'll just be something new. My first sort of work experience, in a way. 

I'm also a bit nervous though. The whole experience requires an interview. It won't be too bad, I know, I know. I'm just kind of shy and I've never had to do an interview before! It's better that I experience it now because it's just a small volunteer job, rather than have my first interview experience be for a job I really need/want. 

So pumped though.

MORE PERSONAL THINGS THAT I NEED TO TALK ABOUT:

SO my boyfriend has shit grades. Shit as in an F in math. He's trying to get them up by doing extra work at lunch, which is the only time in school that I really get to talk to him. I don't want to hold him back from getting his grades straight or anything but I kinda miss him. Plus while his grades are low he isn't allowed to do anything outside of school. 

It really hurts because his parents wanted him to break up with me because I'm a "distraction." They're making him choose between his laptop and me. I help him with his school work and I get him out of the house. why can't they see I'm trying to help him be better? 

That shouldn't have hurt as much as it did, but it just kinda hit me that they don't really like me that much. They don't really talk to me when I go to their house, even when I try to spark a conversation. It just sucks because he's important to me and it's very important that his parents like me. 

I'm disposable.

I miss him.  

update no. 2- bike explorers, healthy endeavours, birthday wishes, and bad blogging

Life has been pretty good to me recently. 

me and my ho

Kind of. Okay not so much.

Usually when I have a tough time like this, I just get tired and sort of give up.

But this time it feels different. I have so much inspiration in me, which might be coming from running this blog and reading other blogs. I'm constantly thinking about this and what I can do to make my life more interesting to read about. Here are some of the things that I'm beginning to be inspired to do. 

BIKE EXPLORERS

My boy/best friend and I have been biking everywhere together since the weather became bikeable, so basically February in California. We started out just biking to this nice café near my house to do our homework, which turned into biking to the library, which turned into biking to the park, which eventually became biking down a trail to a park that's 7 miles away. I really enjoy biking and that makes me feel really happy. 

We are starting to set even higher goals like biking to Los Gatos. It's not that much further than the park that's 7 miles away, but it's new. We also want to bike to the mall that is 10 miles away just to get In & Out. I'm getting super excited. 

                                                                                             HEALTHY ENDEAVOURS

leaning over with laughter- I'm getting happier

I also want to start running and doing more pilates again. I had been running for 4 years but then I stopped over the summer in 2014. I desperately need to start running again before I lose my endurance for good. Once Summer comes in 6 weeks, I'm going to bring my shoes home from school and start running in the mornings/evenings with my boy. Until then, I plan to do more pilates and maybe even try making my own 6 week pilates plan using Blogilates videos. 

BIRTHDAY WISHES

My birthday is coming faster than I expected it would. It's on May 19. There's honestly so much I want to ask for such as a latte machine, a fan for my room, a new paint job for my bike, a new water bottle, and this delicious tea from teavana. It's my favorite. I think it's called Samurai Chai Maté or something. It has so much caffeine though and I love it a lot. Wow, I'm such a materialistic bitch,

I looked cute; too bad I was picking my nose. no regrets. 

BAD BLOGGING

I honestly can't tell whether my blog is good or not, but what I do know is having it inspires me and that I'm having a lot of fun. It's a cool hobby to have in my opinion. Blogging is making me a better writer, allowing me to share my thoughts, and it's making me want to do so much more with myself and to pursue things that I enjoy. Like now I have the urge to begin doing pottery consistently even though I have enjoyed it for years. OOH maybe I should ask for a pottery wheel for my birthday and an oven/ kiln. I know nothing about pottery. I'll have to look into it. 

I haven't been able to find something I really really like for a while. 2015 has been refreshing to me because I'm finally discovering hobbies and passions that I have. For example, I really like biking, interior design, coloring, and running this blog now. It's inspiring me to do so much more and I'm so excited. 

april 26 (day 3/365)

Today was a lazy day that included a shower, an egg/bagel sandwich, and a lot of catch-up work. I am not excited to go to school tomorrow, but there are only 6 weeks left until summer so I think I'll be okay. I just have to keep my grades up for one last stretch. Also, I hate feeling dizzy.

april 25 (day 2/365)

I went on a little adventure with my boyfriend again this morning and we found this river area in my hometown that I hadn't known before.

 It probably won't be like this this summer because of the drought, so I hope I can take advantage of it now until they stop the flow of it.

A tree grew over this tire, which I thought was pretty cool. 

april 24 (day 1/365 days)

my view from the window next to my bed

I was inspired to start doing the 365 day project by a blog that I was reading last night. So here it goes. Today was a hard day. It started out with my friend feeling sad because her boyfriend twisted my words and made it sound like she was making me a worse person, when really she gets me to be more social, funny, and happy every single day. That wasn't fun to sort out; she was really sad. After I talked to her about it, today was great! I have plans to go on an evening bike ride with my boy later then I'll probably watch a movie and hang up a new wall hook/shelf. This week has honestly been so long and I'm glad it's over, but the school year is slipping away faster than intended. I can't believe its already almost May oh my.

-jillian

my adorable notebook from a small store downtown

current jams no. 1

straight up what I'm listening to right now

• miles davis quartet: when I fall in love
• marina and the diamonds- happy
• christine and the queens- saint claude
• rizzle kicks- earl grey
• london grammar- wasting my young years
• marina and the diamonds- fear and loathing

The songs are all kind of sad sounding but that's just the mood I've been in. I really really love marina and the diamonds though; you should all listen to her. Also I really love the "when I fall in love" song. It's a jazz quintet (which I usually don't listen to) but I like this song. fun listening friends!

poem: over (feelings blah I know)

over

I am being overtaken by an overwhelming sadness
a very slight sadness, however
I am being overtaken by an overwhelming madness
a very slight madness,  however
Something that has always been
a slow drip

drip


drip

is now beginning to overflow my small bowl

maybe once the water hits the people below my bowl
they will tip it over in frustration
then maybe I can start over with an empty bowl

and maybe those little people will try
to plug up the little holes that they made
that are causing this overflow

maybe this will soon be
over

UPDATE: identity change

I decided that since I'm getting more into this blog than I thought I would, I changed the domain name to something that I think suits me better. I'm not the lonely girl that I used to be, but when I finished being alone, I didn't come up with a new identity until now. I also wanted to change it because I'm very early into the development of this blog so it won't affect me at all. I'm also going to start signing posts with my real first name.

If anyone is reading this and they have advice for my blog, I'd love to hear it! I know I don't have many viewers at all at the moment (and I know it will take time), but I'd love to hear some advice from some more experienced bloggers and/or just various readers. Thank you all if you're reading this<3

--jillian

my recent trip to the city(!!!)

Last weekend a few friends and I got to drive down to San Francisco for a concert then stay overnight in a hotel and spend the next day in the city. Here are my favorite photos from that weekend.

The Warfield sign ft. marina and the diamonds

I got the opportunity to see Marina and the Diamonds in San Francisco. I have liked her for a year now. She helped me get through dumb boy troubles, problems with my self esteem, you name it. She's my idol and I love her, so I was so so so happy when I got to see her perform. She's a beautiful, talented woman and I'm still shocked that she's actually real tbh. There were lots of white gays too. Who knew so many of them like marina?? hm.  

Marina performing onstage

view of the california coast from the SF Golden Gate Bridge

 My close friends and I also walked across the bridge. It was a cool experience I guess. It just took forever and was overwhelmingly tiring. It took an hour to walk across and around 30 minutes to walk back because we sped up a lot.

the golden gate bridge

 I was disappointed because the only thing my friends and I got to do in SF was walk across the bridge. We wouldn't have done it if we knew it was the only thing we'd have time for, but we can always go back. It's only an hour drive.

also the golden gate

San Francisco skyline as seen from my car on the highway

 Overall I had an amazing time meeting my idol and walking across the bridge. I hope I can return to SF soon. I love it. I just hope there's never an earthquake while I'm there.

--solitaire

NO IDEA

I have no idea what I should make my blog about.
Should it be a fashion blog? Wait, I have no fashion sense.
Should it be a music blog? It could be, my taste is amazing.
Should it be a life advice blog/ my day blog? My life sucks oops
I could make it about my sex life. I used to have one but now I don't get left alone quite as often.

It'll drift and change, I think.
I'll make it about what I'm interested in at the time and what I think could help other people.
That sounds like a blog that would be nice as hell.

--solitaire

BEAUTIFUL BIKES GALORE

I've had my current bike since 2011. It's a green 2011 Schwinn Debutante. (shown below) 

It is honestly so nice but I'm really getting tired of the colors. I started looking at new bikes this morning out of boredom and I came across this lovely motherfucker below. I really really like it but it is $550. I also can't decide whether I'll even use my bike in a year or so because I will be getting my driver's license. I enjoy biking a lot and I use my current bike close to every day, but it is usually just for getting from point A to point B. In my head, I'm thinking "But I'll use it because exercise and it's environmentally friendly" but knowing me my laziness will take over. I have no idea what I'm doing. 

So the most obvious solution is to get my current bike repainted red and save $400. I would like to do that but I kind of doubt that I'll get around to it. We'll see.

-solitaire